#awinewith Kylee Leota
MEET Kylee
Kylee is the Founder of Unstoppable eCommerce.
Find Kylee here:
Unstoppable eCommerce website or Instagram @elements4success.
Transcript
Danielle Lewis (00:06):
Kylee, welcome to Spark tv. It is such an honor to have you here.
Kylee Leota (00:11):
Thank you so much for having me and organizing it through the Timespace continuum. That is daylight saving.
Danielle Lewis (00:18):
Oh my God. Tell me about it. No, thank you for being so patient. I'm so excited to talk to you. I know already that this is going to be a good conversation because nobody knows this, but we've just had a chinwag before hitting record and just had to go, okay, stop Time out. What's going to use all of our best bits if we don't hit record and actually start the podcast. So I know it's going to be such a good conversation. So thank you so much for sharing your time with our community. I appreciate
Kylee Leota (00:44):
It. Excited to be here.
Danielle Lewis (00:46):
So good. So I like just to kick things off by telling people what it is you do. So tell us about Elements for Success and then I would love to know how you actually got there. So what is the journey leading up to starting the business?
Kylee Leota (01:01):
Yeah, it's a bit of an odd one actually. So Elements for Success is a coaching and consultancy business where our goal is to inspire lead and succeed, and our vision is to empower others. So through the lens of leadership, and one of my catch phrases is, in order to lead others now, whether that be personally, children, family, whatever, or professionally, in order to lead others, you first need to lead yourself. And in order to lead yourself, you actually need to know yourself.
Danielle Lewis (01:32):
Oh my God, this is going to get deep. I need to know how to do this as well. So I've cut you off, but keep going. But I need to know more about that.
Kylee Leota (01:42):
And how that actually came is through my own personal journey. And when I reflected on where I was getting frustrated in my life or not getting the outcomes that I sought to, I'd have to sit there and go, hang on a second, look at these people over here doing all of this stuff. And I'm like, what are they doing differently? And I think the biggest pivot point for me in any aspect of my life has been sitting with myself and that self-awareness of, okay, so why does that look like that for me? And the biggest pivot was using leadership skills that you're not ever taught until you get a promotion to actually pivot into your personal life. And then that actually changes how you show up. And then you get the promotion, it's ask about reverse engine. Do you know what I mean? Because I didn't know how to be a leader.
(02:31):
I got my first promotion four years into my teaching career on the basis that I knew stuff about what I was doing, but no one actually ever taught me to be a leader. And so that was a whole lot of learning, not always fun learning because if you don't get guidance early, so then you got to go to a leadership thing after I became a leader instead of hey. But the lens where I've had the biggest personal growth as well is using those tools that we learn in leadership learning and go, Hey, what does it actually look like for me? And just having some of those conversations with myself that haven't always been fully delightfully fun, but hey, why do you keep doing that when that's going to be the outcome you're going to get? So yeah, are you doing it to yourself? If you know that's what's going to happen, you're doing yourself.
(03:16):
So that's sort of part of that journey and Elements for Success, how the name came about is Earl Nightingale, who's one of the founding fathers of professional development has a definition of success. That success is the ongoing progression of a worthy goal or ideal. And what I loved about that is success looks different for everybody and we have bastardized success into making billions and having the house and doing all that stuff. But it might be, success might be for you for a happy, healthy family. Success might be you to have a really productive career success for you might be being able to retire at 35 and go sail around the world. So everyone's got a different definition of what Thank you. Yeah, me please. Yeah. And so success looks different for everybody, but I love, it's an ongoing thing and I think people get caught up in the fact that I want this, but then when they have this, they get this.
(04:12):
The word I came up in coaching yesterday was languishing. They languish because I'm coaching a client who's gotten every goal she's ever set for herself, and every time she does it, she's now languishing because now she doesn't have anything. So success is the ongoing progressive realization. It's ongoing development. It's not a one-stop thing. And then there's lots of different elements for it. And my job is to help you Mary Poppins, pull stuff out of her bag. We pull strategies and ideas and then you try 'em on a shirt. Are they a good fit for you? And figure that out to get what your definition of success is. So that's what I love about what I do, and I do it for a really wide range of people. And I know the word niche does hurts my head a little bit. Oh, don't worry.
Danielle Lewis (04:55):
I'm anti niche,
Kylee Leota (04:56):
Don't worry. Oh God bless.
Danielle Lewis (04:58):
I'm anti niche here.
Kylee Leota (04:59):
Yeah, you and I are totally going to be besties. Yeah. So if I had to niche, I would say it's the lens of leadership, right? Because it's about leading self because I work with CEOs, I work with principals, I work with high performance leadership teams, but I also work with people with disabilities because my background is disability complex behavior and trauma. And who empowers them instead of therapizing them to death about their deficits of having a disability. I'm like, well learn to lead yourself. And so a lot of that stuff we do comes through that. It's the same principles, I just change the lens in which I deliver it. But it's the same concept. I am all about empowering. Again, it just comes back to if I'm a good mom, if I've got the skills to be a good mom, then I'm leading my family well. If I'm a good in my job, I'm leading that well. But it comes back to me and understanding myself so that I can lead myself so that I can lead those that are important to me. Yes. I
Danielle Lewis (05:53):
Love it so much. So I've got so many questions about this, but before I get there, how did you get here? How did you decide to start this business?
Kylee Leota (06:04):
Well, I'm kind of like the accidental entrepreneur, business owner. Perfect. Yes. So always for my whole childhood, I want to be a teacher, everything. So I wanted to be a music teacher, but you actually have to be able to play an instrument to be, I
Danielle Lewis (06:19):
Was just about to ask are you got something?
Kylee Leota (06:25):
But I did because I'm purely determined and I'm recognizing this now. But hindsight's a beautiful thing. I did music for five years at high school without ever learning an instrument. And I got a B in my year 12, which I was very excited about. Absolutely. But everybody else in my grade were doing their letters in piano or letters in trumpet or whatever it was. And I'm like, I'll just teach myself it's fine and it's fine. So probably not the best music teach. You would've
Danielle Lewis (06:54):
Been an amazing all rounder though. You would've been like, I know all the theory, I can do all the teaching.
Kylee Leota (07:00):
Yeah, for sure. And I used to high five when I got a B because I did it without having that background knowledge. My brother got all the musical talent in our family. He's extremely superbly talented. I get occasional backup dancer duties and occasionally I can get my ear in to occasionally get karaoke in tune occasionally.
Danielle Lewis (07:21):
That's huge because I cannot, I've done it once and my career is over.
Kylee Leota (07:27):
You peaked early. I did. I
Danielle Lewis (07:30):
Knew when to quit.
Kylee Leota (07:32):
Go out on a high. That's
Danielle Lewis (07:33):
Right.
Kylee Leota (07:34):
That performance. That's it. See you. So then I wanted to be a PE teacher, and then I love sport, but everyone was PE teaching it. There was a big vibe at the time. And then I did a prac in special education. I worked at school with kids with disabilities, and equally, oh my god, this is really confronting, but equally, oh my god, I can make a difference here. And so kind of fiddle fired around, started out in special school teaching, then went to an advisory role, then went to a head of special education, did secondary and primary in both of that. Went to regional office where I oversaw 72 schools, catering for diverse learners. Went back into school as a deputy of inclusion. Oh my God, deputy, mainstream Deputy. And then
Danielle Lewis (08:20):
I didn't know any of these roles existed when I went to school.
Kylee Leota (08:25):
So lots of stuff. So when I worked in region, used to oversee the enrollment into the early childhood program for kids with disabilities, special school enrollment, but helping families particularly and schools navigate really complex situations with little people where school was maybe a really hard journey for them, but it was always about empowerment. Empowerment of the kids, empowerment of the families, empowerment of the staff, empowerment of the teams and the schools because it was about building their capacity so everyone we could get a win-win for everybody. And that was always the case. So then in 2019, I injured myself. Oh wow. And I would love to say I did something really cool. At that time I was training in Muay Hai Fitness. I was walking, I was the fittest I'd ever been, but in actual fact, my then five-year-old was annoying me in bed. And I rolled over to get away from him and hurt my neck. Oh my God. That is actually how I hurt myself. So it's not some cool, you should have seen the other guy took. Yeah, exactly.
(09:29):
Not even close. Oh wow. Rolled over something crunched in the back of my neck. And that was a really crappy couple of, well, quite a long month, seven months I think, to figure out my God. Well, they still didn't know. So seven MRIs later looked like the hunchback of Norad dam couldn't really, couldn't terminate. They're like, there's nothing wrong with you. And I'm like, can you not see my head? Oh my God. So it was a really long journey. And still obviously there was an injury at some point. What they determined was that I actually had ended up with fibromyalgia as a result of all of that. And then I went, oh, dear God, I work from six 30 in the morning. I leave home at six 30 in the morning, get home at six o'clock at night. Deputy principal, single mom of three kids.
(10:18):
Yeah, wow. What the hell am I going to do with myself? But hindsight, again, beautiful, and I recognize the universe cent wasn't probably really content for a little bit of time. There was a few things happening in education weren't aligning to my true north. But again, out of fear stayed, oh my God, I'm the only provider of my family. I don't get any other support at all from custody or financial or anything like that. So it's me. I'm like, oh my God, what am I going to do? So then what happened was I started thinking, what do I love about what I do and what do I really freaking hate about what I do? And I need to tell you that I hate doing non-contact timetables, and I hate doing playground duty rosters. Oh my God, I hated that part of it. Yeah, totally fair.
(11:12):
I'm like, it gives me the twitches and doing the relief stuff in the morning, organizing all that. Oh my god. But I did love empowering people. I loved supporting the kids. I love supporting the families. I love capacity building, I love stuff, all that kind of stuff. And I went, how can I do that? So that started this little journey about what I could do, what I couldn't do, and dipped my toe in the water around a few things. And then slowly just transitioned 2020. I actually left the department in Covid, as you do. I was going to say, was it before? Was the decision before and then you got a surprise? Or was it mid covid where you were just like, stuff it? No, so I actually myself beforehand, but I was still trying to go back into school land at the beginning of Covid.
(11:59):
And it was actually that July part in Covid that I went, do you know what? I have something that I can offer that doesn't, the system doesn't allow me to offer what I can do. And what I noticed when I worked in region is I actually had more autonomy. Well, I had more authority as an expert when I wasn't actually in the environment as I was someone coming in to offer advice and consult, I was more respected. And people bring me all the time, principals bring me all the time, Kylie, I need your help, Kylie. I need your help, Kylie. I need your help. When I went back into school land and I went back into a hierarchy, people didn't want to hear the exact same conversations. They found it really hard. So that was one of my epiphanies. So I went, maybe I could value add outside of that. So I sat and had a really hard conversation with myself about what did I want to model. And at the time also, this is another kind of pivotal moment for me. I read a book by Glennon Doyle called Untamed.
Danielle Lewis (13:02):
Oh my God, okay, I'm writing this down
Kylee Leota (13:04):
Untamed. And one of the quotes she writes in that book is, my children don't need me to save them. They need to watch me save myself.
Danielle Lewis (13:11):
Oh, I love that so much. Oh my God.
Kylee Leota (13:15):
And I was coming home sore, tired, cranky, frustrated every single day. And I went, what am I teaching my children?
Danielle Lewis (13:24):
You just like, doesn't the universe, I don't know how woowoo you are,
Kylee Leota (13:29):
Just bring you the right thing
Danielle Lewis (13:31):
Thing at the right time.
Kylee Leota (13:34):
Absolutely. And I can remember thinking back the universe when I got injured, the universe just went, I've tried subtle and you're not picking up what I'm putting down, so I'm just going to lay you out here until you have to actually do it that kick. Wow. So sometimes you're just not real smart. And I tried. So yeah, absolutely.
Danielle Lewis (13:55):
Slow learners sometimes.
Kylee Leota (13:57):
Definitely. And so that quote was another one, and I went, what am I modeling for my children that I am staying and coming home? And who's copying it? Who's copying my frustration? They are, it's nothing to do with them. And if I want to change my circumstance, that's within my power and I need to stop giving away my power to others and saying it's their fault that I feel like this. And so that was a pretty major driver for me. How
Danielle Lewis (14:22):
Interesting that your biggest driver was looking after your kids was how will I be the provider and make sure they're okay. But in doing that, it was kind of your undoing. You were just doing running in the wrong direction, and it was having the opposite impact. And it wasn't until you actually said, hold on a second. What am I doing here? That you actually find a new way to do exactly that.
Kylee Leota (14:48):
Yeah. And I think so much of us are driven by fear. So fear that give you the money, fear that there's fear that, and also my family were, my mom worked in a bank for 50 years and a job she hated. My dad was a bus driver because stability, get a job, get a job, get a house, have a government secure job. That's what you do, right?
Danielle Lewis (15:08):
A factor. Love it.
Kylee Leota (15:10):
And that was that generation. But I
Danielle Lewis (15:16):
Realize, but how interesting, the badge of honor, we talked about this before we hit record, right? Is that, yeah. And I feel like this is just anyone listening in who's a small business owner, who has a group of friends where no one's a business owner having that I'm partner in the law firm, or I've done this or I've done that, or I've got the house or I've got the whatever they are, all these badges of honor, that's somebody made up at some point that we all feel like we have to architect our lives around and it makes us fucking miserable.
Kylee Leota (15:47):
Absolutely. And when you add people pleaser lens on top of that, you are also not only aspiring to an archetype that is kind of laid out for you about what success looks like, so redefining what success looks like for you, but secondly, you don't want to let anybody down. And it's that generational expectation stuff. And everyone thought I was back, crap. Crazy. Everyone. I have one, my best friend we're best friends since we were checkout chicks when we were 15 at Franklin. And it was a friendship forged by the fact that we didn't fight over jellybean packet. We shared at break time, we separated the different colors and we never fought, oh my god's,
Danielle Lewis (16:33):
The real priorities in life that people are
Kylee Leota (16:35):
Missing, right? But we just kind of ying and yang from the get-go. And always she owns a business with her husband. And she was the one person that said, Kylie, you've got this. The one person in my life that said, you've got that. And so she was a bit of the voice in the back of my head every time I had a bit of a wobble about, oh my God, am I being an irresponsible single mom of three children? Two, go and start this business. And then do you know what I also thought I went, do you know what if I try it and it doesn't work, there's a teacher shortage, I'll get back in at some point. So I had to reconcile. And again, it's the stories we tell ourselves so much defined what we do by the stories we tell ourselves. So if we just say, I can find possibility and opportunity in this situation, we do.
(17:25):
If we decide there are no opportunities in this situation, we don't. And there's the stories we tell ourselves. And one of the things I also realized is my background is in disability, complex behavior and trauma. So no two days were the same, but it was also seen past the mask that was presented to see what was going on behind the mask, and then creating strategies that matched to meet need there as opposed to what was being presented. So I realized that we all put on masks all of the time about what we think that needs to look like. And the reason behavior doesn't change is because we're not getting the function behind that mask, right? Yeah. Wow. So if we get that right, everything changes. And so when I'm feeling really overwhelmed, I don't have, I'm scared of not having the money, what to do, what was the function that was driving that is fear of letting my kids down or whatever. So what do I need to then take action on to be able to do that? And I realized I had to work it this way and I'd had to do my budget and go, actually, I don't need as much money as I thought I actually could survive a little bit on this. That was another one idea versus informed. I had an idea of what I needed as opposed to actually figuring it out and working out what I needed to start with.
Danielle Lewis (18:36):
I love that so much because I feel like people avoid that, especially when it comes to money. Money's such a big one. I feel like people just go, lack lack. I haven't achieved, I haven't done this. But they really don't actually spend an hour to write down all of their expenses, all of their whatever it is, and just go, that's my rum and noodle number that I need. And then we can build from there. That awareness. And I love that you used the word informed. Stop relying on what your brain tells you because it's usually lying to you.
Kylee Leota (19:07):
I actually saw a young person who has a disability yesterday, and I was talking to him, I said, tell you something. I said, I think your brain's being a bit of an arse at the moment because it's actually tricking you into believing something that's actually not true, and that's getting you in all sorts of trouble. But how often my brain's been telling me stories for a really long time about what is true or isn't true, that may or may not be true. And going back to the piece about sitting down and doing your budget, look, I'm not going to lie. I cried when I did it. There were tissues and there was you got to bring
Danielle Lewis (19:39):
Wine, you got to bring wine stable, right?
Kylee Leota (19:42):
For sure. And there was some ugly crying, right? Was I was doing it, love it. But once I got it clear on what that actually was, I went, that's doable.
Danielle Lewis (19:52):
Yeah, it's not actually crazy.
Kylee Leota (19:54):
No. But I had been avoiding it for so long out of fear that I was doing a disservice to myself. So once I did my ugly cry and I sat down and did it, then I went, I can actually take action on this and this. That's easy. So they talk about anything you do new, there's always a shitty bit. You got to get through the bit. Yes. So that was the shitty bit for me. And so everyone has them. That's the other part. Anytime we try and pivot, change, do anything new, there's always a shitty bit. It's uncomfortable. Oh yeah, so true. You get through the other side, it tends to go quite well, right? But a lot people give up,
Danielle Lewis (20:38):
Oh my God, you're so right. I even had even just, you have those moments every day, every element of your business and life, it just triggered. So I've been running this particular sales course for ages. I've done it so many times that I'm really happy with where it's at and it changes every time I do it. I get better and better and better, blah, blah, blah. And I've got this new one, and I was recording it yesterday and I was hating myself so much brand new, and I was literally, I watched the video back of me just having this panic on screen. I'm like, I'm glad I'm editing this out, but
Kylee Leota (21:16):
Oh
Danielle Lewis (21:16):
My God. I was like, when you do something for the first time, it's just wobbly. You just cannot expect to be perfect straight out of the gate. But I had to check myself and go, but you know, already know that once you do it a few times and you get into the habit and you get feedback and blah, blah, blah, blah, this will be fantastic. So you do. You've got to get through the shitty bit. I love that.
Kylee Leota (21:44):
And I work with a lot of people where change is difficult. So if you're on the autism spectrum, change is actually really difficult for you. But here's the other thing, change is actually difficult for all of us. So I took lessons that I'd learned in my 20 plus years of working in education with people that we really know struggle with change, and started applying that with my principles and started with my CEOs and started applying with all this. So change is difficult, not because it's bad, but because it's uncertain and unfamiliar.
(22:16):
So our brain goes, oh, I don't like uncertain. And so it tricks us into thinking that all change is bad, but then we tell ourselves a story. I don't do change. And I'm like, but again, if you tell us yourself, you don't do change, guess what? You don't do change. So if we sit there and go, and so I was having a talk to a little person the other day and I said, how's come back from school and everything? Oh yeah, no change. And I said, but is it bad change or good change? And he's like, well, actually some of it's been good. I said, so we've just told ourselves that because it's change, that's bad. But sometimes we have to sit and assess because if I change my weight and I've lost weight, that's change. That's good change. But we sit there and go, oh, don't do change. Well, we do. We change all of the time. Every day something changes, but it's a story. Again, we tell ourselves around that. But the change comes from just feeling uncertain and unfamiliar. But once we can recalibrate and recognize that that's not always a bad thing. Again, it's just that checking yourself and going, what's in my control and what's not in my control. And focusing on what's in your control, right?
Danielle Lewis (23:25):
Oh, absolutely. And an interesting setup too for the idea of success. So if everyone listening in is obviously super high achiever types, running their own business,
Kylee Leota (23:40):
I don't know what you're talking about, type A personality. I don't resemble that comment at all.
Danielle Lewis (23:48):
Oh my God. And it's just kind of struck me that we are all starting these new businesses, super uncertain, lots of change. We all have these super crazy goals that we've set for ourselves. If we're going to get there, we're probably going to have to experience a bit of change. But I'm interested then. So how is then success and this idea of change interlinked? And I'm really interested in, you've made a couple of comments about tough conversations that you've had with yourself. And I'm interested to know whether you recommend asking yourself a particular set of questions or if there's anything that you think people should dive into if they are kind of in this land of, and this will be out in the new year, so people will be setting their goals. But yeah, I'm just interested change and success and actually having tough conversations with success with yourself. Where do you think people start with all of this?
Kylee Leota (24:43):
So I think some of it is around expectations that we place on others and then ourselves. So there's a piece of work that I do with people around fears and motivations because our thoughts and feelings drive our actions or inactions, which drive our results and income. So we know that, right? But if I could, sometimes people get stuck in the behavior, but the behavior driven by fear will not drive a good result. But the same behavior driven by motivation potentially will. And it's the reframing. And the example I give is when everything happened during Covid, my parents are in their seventies, so it was very fear inducing for my mom particularly. And she would ring me and she would be crying on the phone and saying, Kylie, I'm so scared of going out because I'm going to get covid. And they wanted a caravan around Australia, all this stuff. And I said, mom, so what would happen if you said, instead of saying, I'm so scared of getting sick, I'm going to stay home, you said, I'm going to make sure I'm the healthiest version of myself so that when the borders open, I'm ready to go.
Danielle Lewis (25:57):
The
Kylee Leota (25:57):
Behavior is the same. You still stay home, but thoughts and feelings you attribute to the action change that outcome for you.
Danielle Lewis (26:07):
Oh my God, I love that. Well, and I also think that if you had that mentality, actually what you did when you're at home as well,
Kylee Leota (26:16):
Changes, right? Changes would be sort all the your reaction. So the other part of that too is I love to help people, but sometimes I need to check in and go, am I helping people because I'm genuinely wanting to help this person? Or is something going on for me and I'm actually helping that person trying to validate my self-worth right now?
Danielle Lewis (26:34):
Wow.
Kylee Leota (26:37):
Or am I doing this behavior? Am I leading this because I genuinely want to contribute to this? Or am I this because I don't letting go of control? So those kind of questions, am I being driven by fear at the moment or am I driven by motivation in terms of what I'm achieving? Because sometimes the actions that we perpetuate, I'm a hard worker. I work and work and work, and we have this whole hustle mentality. And I actually don't have a problem with hustling in and of itself. I can't think you can do it for years and years and years to burnout. But do I think a hustle is okay? Yes, I do. Unless you're hustling for your worthiness.
Speaker 3 (27:16):
Yes. Yep. So
Kylee Leota (27:19):
Again, you've got to check yourself, why am I doing this and this and this and this and this?
Speaker 3 (27:23):
Yes.
Kylee Leota (27:25):
Am I doing it my
Speaker 3 (27:26):
To-do list right now?
Kylee Leota (27:30):
So checking in with yourself, that's what kind of thing those tough kind of ations with. And I also talk about, I'm a Brene Brown lover, fan girl, obsessed,
Speaker 3 (27:41):
Same,
Kylee Leota (27:42):
Did the deadly trained, all that kind of stuff. And I also check in around when I'm not being the best version of myself, what does that look like for me? And often it's because I feel like I'm either walking out of alignment with my values or I've been put in a position where I feel like value has been compromised for me. And I'll give you a really good example. I came back from a meeting once in the office at school, and I was losing my push shizzle. I was literally losing my crap. And I've come back and I'm talking to my staff, I was just so cranky about what's at the meeting? And they're like, oh yeah, that's not good. And I'm like, why are you not in losing your mind? This is, and I was like, it was not the best version of itself anyway. But what I realized was because integrity is a core value for me, one of the most biggest core values I could possibly have and has been a standalone. So in that particular meeting, I recognize in hindsight again, that I had been asked to put myself in a situation that didn't align with my integrity. Now, if your core value is family integrity might still be important to you, but if your core value is family and this is a work-related issue,
(28:59):
Then you're like, oh yeah, that's pretty crap, but you're not going to be losing your crap as much as I'm right. So checking in about that core values. And the other one is we only repeat behaviors that we believe we perceive serve us. For example, if I smack my head against a wall and go, oh, that hurts, I'm not likely to do that again. But if I smack my head against a wall and go, oh, I like this, I'm more likely to repeat the behavior. But sometimes we do behaviors because we perceive they serve us or keep us safe, but we don't fact check that they actually do.
Speaker 3 (29:38):
I love that so much.
Kylee Leota (29:40):
So sometimes it's checking in and going, okay, does this still serve me? The other part is where it gets tricky is because sometimes it no longer serves us, but it did once. And so it's hard to keep to say, that behavior doesn't work for me anymore. It did at one point, and we've got to forgive ourselves. So particularly unhealthy behaviors. So for example, if you drank to escape life reality, you drank because you felt that it gave you that escapism didn't really, but it gave you this perception of escaping because when you sober it up, it's still there. I do that, yes, but in the moment it perceived served you because it gave you the short-term escape, right?
Danielle Lewis (30:27):
Yeah.
Kylee Leota (30:28):
Now when you drink, it may have consequences, but because it serves you once you're like, oh, I'm just going to do that. If I'm feeling really overwhelmed, I'm just going to do that same behavior. But maybe it doesn't serve you in the same way anymore. So you've got to forgive yourself and acknowledge that you did it before because it served you. But that doesn't mean it doesn't mean it serves you now. And that's okay.
Danielle Lewis (30:50):
Yeah. I think that forgiveness part is absolutely huge, isn't it? I feel like oftentimes when we look back, we also blame, and I kind of feel like sometimes we need to draw a line in the sand about past things that have happened, whether it be something you've done or whether it be something someone else has done. I feel like there needs to be a process of letting go sometimes and forgiving what has passed to be able to take those next steps.
Kylee Leota (31:22):
And I do think it's a really tricky part, particularly, and that's what I used. So acknowledging that you did that behavior because it's what you had to do at the time, that was the tool you had in your toolbox at that particular time. Now you know better. You can do better. So you have to forgive yourself for that piece. So that's a really big part for me. And I often talk to people about, the analogy I give with young people is if you had a push bike and you had a flat tire and you had a hammer, can you change the tire with a hammer? Yeah. Is it the best tool? No. Is it going to do some damage along the way? Yes. Is there a better tool? Yes. But if it's not in your toolbox, you can't use it. And we often go back to using the tools that we perceive worked or kept us safe.
(32:14):
So if I want you to go away from me and I say F off, chances are you're going to go away from me. So it works. It got my needs met. Is it the best tool? No, it's like the hammer on the bike is there because you're doing damage to the relationships on the way. Yes. So it's about putting tools in your toolbox to say, actually, now I've got this tool. Hey, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed a moment I need a break. Or Hey, I'm feeling really anxious at the moment, so I just need to gather my thoughts and recognizing what those tools are for you. And I call it the skill gap. So I imagine Wiley Coyote, right? Wiley Coyote was all the will in the world. The dude did not have skill, so that's challenging, but he had lots of willingness. And on the other side of the canyon, you've got Roadrunner who's got all the will and all the skill, and he's just nailing it. And I imagine this gigantic canyon in the middle, and it's about there's the skill gap there and how do I build the bridge to close the gap in the skills that I need to get me from where I am to where I want to go? Because it is not deficit, it's not a failure. I'm an idiot that I don't have this. It's that I've got some skill gaps and I just need to fill them.
(33:28):
And
Danielle Lewis (33:28):
That being kind to yourself as well and recognizing that. But we all have gaps, right? This is work that's never done, I assume.
Kylee Leota (33:38):
Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. But sometimes we think that the skill gap is I want to be a welder and I need to know how to weld. But the skill gap is I also need how to problem solve and I need conflict resolution, and I need to how to communicate effectively, particularly when I'm frustrated and all of that kind of stuff. And people forget that anything, the only way you get good at anything is to practice it, right? Yes. So if I have to self-identify my emotions, and I hate talking about my emotions, the only way, unfortunately, spoiler alert, there's no life hack. The only way to do it is to practice identifying my emotions and being aware and being kind to myself through that process. If you wanted to get good at social media or sales, what are you going to do? Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat, rin tweak, rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat, repeat. That's the only way you're good at sales, right? It's to actually do it. Totally Get good at it by osmosis.
Danielle Lewis (34:34):
Oh my god, I love that so much. Because that's literally so with the people that we coach in sales, that's the biggest thing. They don't want to reach out to people because they're worried about what they'll think. They're worried about how to say it. They just put it off, put it off, put off. And I'm like, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But the only way you get sales is by talking to people about sales, about what you're selling. And it is, you are so spot on. The only way it gets easier is when you do it a billion times and then it's just like rot just comes out,
Kylee Leota (35:08):
Comes. And that's exactly the same for emotions. It's exactly the same for problem solving. It's the exact same for conflict resolution. My son was in year five, and we had this whole thing when he came home and having a meltdown, right? Because he got a C for a singing test. Oh my God, a C, only C he's ever got in his life. God bless that high achieving child, dunno where. And so I said to him, mate, you've kind of got two choices. You can decide that you don't like a C and you want to put in the effort and practice like you do with your soccer, which you're really good at. Or you can accept that that's actually not your strength area and be satisfied with a C.
Danielle Lewis (35:48):
Yes.
Kylee Leota (35:49):
But again, you've given away your power by being upset about it. You've got choices.
Danielle Lewis (35:54):
Oh my God. Yeah. You're so right.
Kylee Leota (35:57):
And I'm not good at things like organizing zooms with time zones. I get it.
Danielle Lewis (36:03):
Well apparently we're both crap at that. So that's right. It's all good.
Kylee Leota (36:07):
But in my business, that's a really important part of my business. So I actually have to put in the practice
Danielle Lewis (36:13):
To
Kylee Leota (36:13):
Get better at that
Danielle Lewis (36:15):
Or find the tools
Kylee Leota (36:16):
Or find the tools. Oh
Danielle Lewis (36:17):
My God.
Kylee Leota (36:18):
Or employ people that can help me support me in that. Because you don't need to be brilliant at everything. Type A personalities think we need to be the best at everything of all. Oh my God. Yeah. Can't actually, I can invoice. Do I like invoicing? No, it does my head in. I employ someone to do my invoicing because the return on investment is it takes me three hours to do the same thing. It takes her 10 minutes and I could be working and bringing in money that would cover her costs exponentially five times by that. Exactly. So why would I waste my time? So that's one of the things I know I need to know. I need the inspect what you expecting. So I need to know enough about it to know that they're doing it right? Yes. But then I need to outsource that. I have no interest in becoming the best zero operator in the world. I don't, and it's
Danielle Lewis (37:13):
Such a good point because you are spot on. A lot of these high achieving personalities listening think that they actually have to do everything inside their business and think that they have to be amazing at it
Kylee Leota (37:25):
And then wonder why they're feeling a bit burnt out. They're like, but I should be able to do all the things. I
Danielle Lewis (37:33):
Should be Wonder Woman,
Kylee Leota (37:35):
But why should you?
Danielle Lewis (37:37):
Yeah. Who told you that? Your brain probably you made it.
Kylee Leota (37:41):
Your brain's being a bit of an ass.
Danielle Lewis (37:42):
Your brain is being an As. That's going to be the title of this podcast episode
Kylee Leota (37:49):
And tricking you into thinking that you have to be all the things to all the people. Yes. And my learning is, and at the time when I started out, obviously I started on my own. I recognized very early that was not my strength area and was able to onboard, but it took a while to find the right person. So that has been an ebb and flow. So I've had to step back in and do stuff. And so I can do it, but I also recognize it doesn't give me, it actually is an energy draining activity for me. So when I focus on my energy giving activities versus my energy draining activities, my ROI goes through the roof. If I do it because I have to do it because I should be able to do it because of the Wonder Woman ass hat brain story, I burn myself out.
(38:39):
But if I can spend 90% of my time in energy giving stuff, which is the people for me, I'm a people. I'm not a processor. I can do process. I'm good at process, but what gives me energies is people then that's where I need to spend my time because I show up as a better version of myself when I'm people. And if I get stuck too much in the backend stuff, I'm not showing up as the best version of myself. And then I'm not being the thing my child needs me to be. I need to save myself. So I need to, again, recalibrate check in. And one of the really cool activities I do now, because we always focus on what's not going well. Yes, negativity, bias. Our brain is awesome at it, right? Awesome. But negativity bias and being an ass hat of making it judgmental. But the first piece of the work is tell me what's going well right now. And that's actually really hard for people, really hard because they want to focus on two things, two reasons for that. A, because brain's an hat that wants to do negativity, loves that shit. The second part is because we are told, if we talk about the good things that we do, it's egotistical.
(40:02):
So when I say to you, tell me what's gone well for you, Danielle this week, and you're like, oh, well look, it was okay, I had this thing, I haven't seen a client for a month, and they're written two things on there, what's working well for them? I'm like, you are telling me in 30 days there's only two positive things that have happened in your whole 30 days. That's a whole conversation in itself, right? Absolutely. If your mindset is that bad that it can give you 50, but I want to do this side, the negative side. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. You need to do this part first. And they're like, but I want to be over here. So yeah,
Danielle Lewis (40:43):
We're always looking for those gaps. We, it's always the not good enough, haven't done this, haven't done this, haven't achieved. And you do. You forget to actually check in with yourself on all of the amazing things that you've done.
Kylee Leota (40:55):
Yeah. So what's working well for me this week, this fortnight, this month, this quarter. How can I do more of that? How can I do more of that stuff that was working well for me? And then the second part is what wasn't working well? Nonjudgmentally ass hat, brain to the side. How can I reduce change or eliminate?
Danielle Lewis (41:22):
I know, because sometimes the things on your not doing well side are things you shouldn't even care about. Are these I should
Kylee Leota (41:30):
Be, I need to be doing it. I should be doing this. That's right. Yeah, that's right. So what can I change? What can I reduce and what can I eliminate? And if you are spending a whole day doing energy draining stuff or a whole week doing energy draining stuff and you can't not do it, then how are you changing the process by adding energy, giving either side, like a bookend to get yourself through it. Do you need to look at the clients that you see and see your most intense clients when you've got the highest amount of energy so it doesn't drain as much of you? Do you need to recalibrate so you've got an admin date in the middle to just reset, recalibrate, pivot, whatever works for you. So some people don't know until they try it on a shirt, is this a good fit for me? Does it feel good? Do I feel comfy? Do I, and see if it works. But what's working well? How can I do more? What's not working? How can I change, reduce, or eliminate? That's a really powerful conversation I have with myself as well.
Danielle Lewis (42:30):
I love that so much as well. And I love, just circling back to something we talked about earlier was that could also change. So what's working for you today may not work for you at some point in the future. And we were talking about, I think before we would hit record as well, but are you a morning person? Are you an evening person, whatever, whatever. And I used to be a morning person, dunno what happened. But for some reason in this stage of my life, I'm not a morning person, but what I noticed was I was having the conversation with myself. So because I do these podcasts and meetings all over the world, I'm like, your calendar needs to be open from 7:00 AM to 7:00 PM every night. And I would be getting up at six o'clock in the morning putting on makeup, feeling like I had not slept a wink and showing up to my first meeting at 7:00 AM feeling like crap. And I was like, well, you're not actually doing anyone a service by showing up in that state. And I just had to actually check myself and say, why do you think that being on at seven o'clock in the morning is the way to run your business if you feel like crap? So I actually just went, okay, well readjust the timelines. I still work the same amount of time, but I do it when I have the most energy. But it's
Kylee Leota (43:48):
So funny. You're the best version of yourself, right?
Danielle Lewis (43:50):
Exactly. But it's like for some reason you think, well, I've got to be on available all of the time, or I'm not doing the best thing for my business
Kylee Leota (44:00):
And being on all the time. So again, so you're in deputy principal mode. So I would get up at five, I'd be relief teachering from five, then there'd be some admin meeting before the admin meeting, before the thing, before the people, before the kids, before the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, get home at night, shove food in my mouth, sort kids, check your emails, blah, blah, blah, blah. So this ridiculous thing, I actually, and because if you're not very good at boundaries,
Danielle Lewis (44:29):
I
Kylee Leota (44:33):
Boundaries, you hurt my feelings just so they would compromise them or people would compromise them all the time, but they compromise 'em because I allowed it.
Danielle Lewis (44:42):
Yes.
Kylee Leota (44:43):
And I think the other part is when you've not been good at putting boundaries in, you tend to do, I call it the rubber band effect. So you do a hard boundary first up because you're like, Nope, this is my boundary. And it's actually generally somewhere in the middle. So the rubber band stretching out, you got to bring it back and loosen it up a little bit, right? Yes. But again, you only get good boundaries if you practice it. But I stopped in my business for the vast majority of the time. I don't answer emails before 7:00 AM perfect, okay? And I don't answer emails after six o'clock. And very rarely do I even answer my phone after six o'clock unless there's a particular thing that I need to do. I have been trying to read 52 books for 52 weeks for about 52 years now. I'm not,
Danielle Lewis (45:27):
Oh my God, God, that's like a little thing in my brain that I want to do. That's just not going to quite happen.
Kylee Leota (45:33):
Did it this year?
Danielle Lewis (45:34):
Oh my God, congratulations.
Kylee Leota (45:37):
Cute. Not last weekend, the weekend before I hit my 52 books early.
Danielle Lewis (45:41):
Holy crap. Oh my God. And you know what? Good.
Kylee Leota (45:43):
And do you know what wasn't even hard? Oh my God, do you know what I did differently?
Danielle Lewis (45:47):
What did you do differently?
Kylee Leota (45:49):
So I didn't answer emails. I was actually more productive in my business by setting that boundary of the time that worked for me. That was the first thing. Second of all, my phone charges on the other side of the room do not have it beside my bed. So the alarm goes off and I have to get up and William McCraven Make Your bed thing has changed my life. So I get up, make my bed, get my phone, turn my alarm off, do not check my phone, get up and have a coffee. And I read,
Danielle Lewis (46:21):
Oh, that's
Kylee Leota (46:21):
So good. At nighttime before I go to bed, put my phone on charge, I get in bed, I read. So I'm not scrolling. So that's two things I did. I'm like Rory Gilmore off the Gilmore Girls. I carry a book at all times with me because if I have five minutes, instead of getting on social media, I read,
Danielle Lewis (46:38):
Oh, I love that.
Kylee Leota (46:40):
I also recognize that one of the barriers, so I actually hacked myself in marketing. You've got your objections. I overcame all my objections. So then I was like, okay, I'm a bit of a mood reader. So I'd get in bed and go, I don't want to read that book tonight. My mood's not right. So then I wouldn't read and I'd get on social media. So now I have five books on my bedside table. So there's always something to read or they're all a bit of variety, different choices. I engage. I love Audible. Now I travel sometimes that became another way. So I look for different ways and it wasn't a task. And the other thing, visual. I had one to 52 on pieces of paper written up on the wall, and every time I achieved a book, I wrote it up. So go, go, go, go, go, go.
(47:26):
And some days when I was just chilling, I like to mean it does help that I like to read, but I actually think it's relevant to any goal. It was visual. I overcame my objections. I actually sat down and went, what are the things that I do to myself to stop myself from? How do I talk myself out of this? I've tried for a long time to do this goal, and this year it wasn't hard. And what was the difference? So because it wasn't hard, it became easy for me and it nailed it. Six weeks out, I'm going to actually hit probably closer to 58 books this year. That's so good because I got that momentum and it's a snowball effect. But so I just hacked myself really. And I did a marketing course. I'm like, oh my God, I'm doing this to myself, selling to myself objections. I'm overcoming my pain points and my objections.
Danielle Lewis (48:14):
And I love that you said this because it's really interesting. I feel like I've just done this with walking. So this year I've been really terrible. I've not been looking after myself at all. And 40 days out from the end of the year, I said, okay, that's it. What is my excuse? And my excuse is always I should be working. So I always feel guilty about looking after myself because I should be working harder. I haven't achieved all the things that I want to achieve. And I was like, okay, so how do I marry the two? And I decided that, okay, we've got a treadmill that hasn't been used, but since we got it. And I was like, okay, mine
Kylee Leota (48:52):
Was a really good bag rack. Oh
Danielle Lewis (48:54):
My gosh,
Kylee Leota (48:54):
My treadmill was an excellent bag
Danielle Lewis (48:56):
Rack on there. And I just decided, you know what? I'm going to do both. So there's no reason why I can't walk on the treadmill every day and also do some kind of work activity that makes me feel productive. What I did is I identified tasks that I could do on my iPad that fit in the little screen. And so for an hour I walk every day, but I've not lost an hour. I've still done. And a couple of people said to me, no, you should be just focusing on relaxing and downtime and kind of putting it down a little bit. And I was like, well, the fact of the matter is, the only way I'm going to do this is if I don't feel guilty, and if I get something done in that time, I don't feel guilty. And now I'm kind of actually doing it. I've walked every day for 15 days. I've got 25 days to get my 40 days before the end of the year, and it's working. So I love that. Overcome your objections.
Kylee Leota (49:47):
Yeah, for sure. And so first of all, your brain was being an ass hat to say, I need to do this. Right? Your brain's being an ass. Secondly, it worked for you. Yeah, it worked for you. And I think the thing about that is when people go, oh, but you should this, right? I'm like, hi, my name's Kylie. Have you actually met me? You should this or you should. And I'm like, again, hi, my name's Kylie. Have you actually met me? Because if I feel like it's going to negate my abilities, then I'm not going to do it because I, again, have high achieving. So again, like Mary Poppins, pull the strategies out, try them on, see what fits, see what works for you. I would get seasick working on my iPad and working on a treadmill. I literally would, I would get some sort of travel sickness.
(50:32):
I'd have to have travel calm before I jumped on it, but I could actually listen to an audible and walk because I use and I choose specific books that help me in my business. So it's still on, but because I'm doing it, because I love it, it doesn't feel like work. So I think that's the other hack, right? In those particular times, when you're walking or self caring for yourself, if you need to marry it with something that you need to do, you need to choose the bits of the business that you love and marry it with something because it's going to be easier for you to work when you're doing something you love than if you're walking, which is already a hard task, right? Because not putting yourself first is always a hard task. So if you put it with something that you freaking hate, guess what your brain's going to do?
(51:21):
It's going to be an ass hat and tell that this activity is shit. And so the only way to exercise to be good is to do it with something. Pair it with something that you love, and then that becomes easier because now you get to do something you love whilst you're learning to love something that's maybe not something you've always loved, right? Or you found it hard to prioritize. So I just think this is where we've just got to figure out the brain hacks and how to stop your brain being an ass to actually serve you because your brain's tricky.
Danielle Lewis (51:52):
I love it so much. Kylie, you are absolutely incredible. Thank you so much for coming on the Spark TV podcast. I feel like we could talk for hours
Kylee Leota (52:03):
If we didn't close
Danielle Lewis (52:04):
With your brain being an ass hat. But no, that's incredible. Your insights and your experience. I know everyone tuning in would've gotten a lot of value. So thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us.
Kylee Leota (52:16):
Thank you so much. Appreciate it.
